Something
It’s strange being in Albuquerque now. So much has happened since my life here. I feel comfortable for the first time in years. I’ve finally owned my past. While my confidence is there, many emotions have been stirring. I believe it’s because I’m finally in a place where I’m strong enough to fully process and learn.
It’s strange. Ever since I’ve gotten to Albuquerque, in the evening around the same time (6:00pm):
Feelings of immense sadness
My heart aches
On the verge of tears but no release
Desire for something more but unaware of what that is...
It’s love, validation, and the need to be wanted by someone
Is it strange that I’ve never made love? I think so...but I can explain.
It all started when I was a young little thang
I did what I was told and of course I complained, but for the most part I was pretty tame
My mama use to tell me the ways of the world and how I had to work twice as hard because I’m a girl
Don’t be too pretty, but always be smart, and that’s how you can make it to the top
That worked for her but not for me. I use to feel sooo bad for being me.
Living my life the way she wanted me to
It’s not her fault she did her best and I’ll hold on to her strength from her very last breath that she passed on to me, to be the best woman that I can be
At first it wasn’t easy constantly struggling with the past and not knowing the possibilities of a better version of me. I knew it was there but darkness almost got the best of me.
I allowed myself to be used and mistreated had no self respect
My poor body took the beating while my spirit drifted off to another place of being
The spirit couldn’t stand all the undeserving hands and substances I exposed to my body so she left for a while till I hit rock bottom
No one was around and no one cared, why should they when I didn’t care
I almost left but not for long cause’ my mother’s last breath came in strong
“How dare you try to die, it’s not your time, and trust that you will fly”
So it begins the life I’ve been craving to live
starting from the bottom and creating my way up and of course I'm still screwing up, but I trust to get myself through it
Two terminations and almost failing out of school hard to believe I didn’t go back to the place of drool
Instead I changed the way I saw my life. Being a victim wasn’t doing much for me so I decided being a bad ass works best and put this theory to the test
All I can say is I give myself all A’s I’m not perfect,that’s not much fun anyway
I have no idea where I’m going but know where I’ve been
I’ll expect the unexpected and give my thanks and praise for the journey within
and don’t put a limit on the fun to be had
Dwelling on a failure won’t solve anything but focus on the way you want it to be
Sure I’ll make a fool of myself again
I did what I was told and of course I complained, but for the most part I was pretty tame
My mama use to tell me the ways of the world and how I had to work twice as hard because I’m a girl
Don’t be too pretty, but always be smart, and that’s how you can make it to the top
That worked for her but not for me. I use to feel sooo bad for being me.
Living my life the way she wanted me to
It’s not her fault she did her best and I’ll hold on to her strength from her very last breath that she passed on to me, to be the best woman that I can be
At first it wasn’t easy constantly struggling with the past and not knowing the possibilities of a better version of me. I knew it was there but darkness almost got the best of me.
I allowed myself to be used and mistreated had no self respect
My poor body took the beating while my spirit drifted off to another place of being
The spirit couldn’t stand all the undeserving hands and substances I exposed to my body so she left for a while till I hit rock bottom
No one was around and no one cared, why should they when I didn’t care
I almost left but not for long cause’ my mother’s last breath came in strong
“How dare you try to die, it’s not your time, and trust that you will fly”
So it begins the life I’ve been craving to live
starting from the bottom and creating my way up and of course I'm still screwing up, but I trust to get myself through it
Two terminations and almost failing out of school hard to believe I didn’t go back to the place of drool
Instead I changed the way I saw my life. Being a victim wasn’t doing much for me so I decided being a bad ass works best and put this theory to the test
All I can say is I give myself all A’s I’m not perfect,that’s not much fun anyway
I have no idea where I’m going but know where I’ve been
I’ll expect the unexpected and give my thanks and praise for the journey within
and don’t put a limit on the fun to be had
Dwelling on a failure won’t solve anything but focus on the way you want it to be
Sure I’ll make a fool of myself again
have no shame and place no blame because one day it will be funny as hell and I’ll pat myself on the back for coming through so well
I love my life all the pain and the pleasure making sure to stop and appreciate what I have
I have found my Cat Spot and I’m exactly where I want to be
Even though I’ve come so far, there’s still something missing...
I love my life all the pain and the pleasure making sure to stop and appreciate what I have
I have found my Cat Spot and I’m exactly where I want to be
Even though I’ve come so far, there’s still something missing...
"I am vulnerable. I am strong. I can be vulnerable because I am strong"
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