Cat Spot on Vaginal Flatulence

While living in Austin, Texas, I explored different yogas. I was familiar mostly with Kundalini and Hatha. I wanted something different from the two and saw that an Ashtanga class at the time I desired. Before deciding to attend the class I never heard of it before. I read the little blerp about the class and didn't do any research before attending. The blerp mentioned that the class was for students who have practiced yoga for a while and are familiar with the primary poses. I figured I could get by.

I arrived to class early and set my mat down, laid in savasana, waiting for others to come. A man entered and asked me which way we were setting up the mats today. I looked around and noticed three other people lined their mats perpendicular to the wall, and a few on the other side of the room had their mats facing the people on the opposing wall. Mine faced the front of the room. I quickly got up, smiled, answered in a light chuckle, and moved my mat, mildly mortified.

The instructor entered, flowing hair, Swedish accent, and a strict nature that exuded her petite figure. I could hardly understand a word she said in English along with the fact she spoke half in Sanskrit. Then I remembered, "Shit this class lasts and hour and thirty minutes." The door closed and I prayed for grace.

The instructor called us to the front of our mats and everyone began chanting a prayer. It threw me off a little. Before I knew it we were into our first vinyasa of soooo many more to come. Majority of the people in this class were fit, as in yoga fit and needed almost no guidance from the instructor. I looked around because I had no idea what I was doing or what came after each vinyasa. The instructor immediately noticed my oblivious attempts to keep up and told me to skip the vinyasa if need be. I be needed some major ass kicking is what I need be. Thirty

minutes in and little did I know I had surprise waiting for me while in downward dog.

Upon coming out of this position, a noise came from a place other than my mouth, nose, or butt. Ok, that's fine, it happens. People release air during yoga practice. Well it kept happening over and over and over. The class was so serious and the people practicing were super intense and experienced while all I did was queef for about twenty minutes. The more I thought about controlling it the louder it got. I reached a point where I rested in child's pose attempting to

control my immense embarrassment and laughter. After my silent laughter eased I thought, "Geeze honey. You haven't had any kids, you haven't been intimate with a man in almost a year and the last man you were with was probably gay and not much happened so maybe that doesn't count. You have been watching quite a bit of porn to compensate for the lack of sex, but aside from that, those muscles have not been put to use in a long time, a really long time. We will talk more about this later. Ok, take a deep breath and let's see if we can get through the rest of the class without queefing." I tried and it happened again. At a point the instructor out loud, "If you are holding something back, just let it go."

I couldn't help but know that was directed at me. Eventually I just let it go and released. It was liberating and humiliating at the same time. After class the instructor handed out tea. She handed me a cup and I gave her a pathetic puppy look of "I didn't mean to. I didn't know any better." She shot me a cool smile, "It's ok, it happens."

My face beet red from getting my ass kicked and from the realization that I can't show my face at this yoga studio probably ever again, I bolted to my mini van.

I hadn't thought about queefing in years. Takes me back to middle school...

{Gym Class:1999}

A small army of hormonal young females emerge from from the locker room and immediately run laps around the gym (This middle school kept boys and girls separate during gym class). Some walked, while others bolted to get it over with and to show off. Eventually we would partner up. One girl laid on the floor in preparation for the compromising "sit-up", while the other one held her feet prisoner, all while some song like "Mambo #5" played in the background. Some times your partner was your friend, other times it was a person you never spoke to, and they would on occasion witness you and vice versa during a very intimate moment.

Giggles and girly noises persist for the duration of the sit-up segment.

This became a hot topic for lunch discussion:

"What's that noise that sometimes comes out while we are doing sit-ups?"-Brook

"A fart?"-Callie

"I think it comes out of the crotch."-Brittany

"Vagina fart."-Me

"It happens when the person comes up."-Brook

(Giggles)

...Next day at lunch

"I asked my brother about that noise and he said it's called a queef." -Beka

(Giggles)

"You know how some people can fart on command? I wonder if we can queef on command?"-Me

Needless to say we experimented with this concept off school property. We would do shoulder stands

and any sort of movement that engaged the pelvis along with contracting genital muscles. We had no idea that were actually doing yoga and kegels.

Oh to be twelve or thirteen again and to be so unaware of the female body yet so curious. Budding breasts, pubic hair, periods, zits, and so subconscious of the world.

~

Sitting in the front seat, hands on the wheel,large pink sunglasses covering my face, I knew I had some work to do.

What is this queef? Why is it happening? How can I dominate the queef and master my domain?

In the following days I did some research and decided I was going to ask one of the Kundalini yoga instructors after a class I regularly attended about this issue.

"I have something slightly embarrassing to talk to you about?"-Me

"Ok, what is it?" -Robin

"I've been noticing recently during my yoga practice that I've been queefing and I was wondering what might be causing this and I what I can do to prevent it?"-Me

"Well...this happens to many women. It it could be a couple of things, the physical being you are not engaging mula bandha during your practice. Also, there may be some stale female energy in your womb that needs to be released. Since you said this is a recent development, you may have been holding on to some old energy for a while and now you are ready to release it."-Robin

"That makes so much sense. Thank you!"-Me

I vowed never to attend another ashtanga yoga class again, but as fate would have it, I showed up to the yoga studio, thinking I was there for Hatha, but I looked at the schedule wrong and it was an Ashtanga class. Only this time it was for beginners. My mind went back to that humiliating day when it all happened, and feared that history might repeats itself, or I could master the queef and regain control of my domain.

The class was amazing! I started on an Ashtanga yoga binge. Kundalini was out and Ashtanaga was in. During a smaller, all female class, queef decided it was time to visit. After class I asked the instructor about this.

"I queefed during this class. I was wondering if you have an exercises or recommendations for me to work on at home or during the practice?"-Me

After asking the question, all the females evacuated the room, except for this middle-aged British woman who contained a smile of intrigue.

"This happens quite a bit, especially during Ashtanga since we do head stands and shoulder stands which all engage the pelvis. This is when you need to engage mula bandha and your core. Also be aware of your breath. There is a timing and an art of when to breath in air and when to release air. After releasing your breath, this is the time to engage mula bandha, that way you tighten the muscles to prevent air from entering the womb and to center yourself. Remember, once you take in air, it has to come out."-Anita

"Wow." -Me

"I would recommend doing kegels and pelvic exercises which are a great thing to be doing anyway."-Anita

The British woman looked at me, "Thank you for asking about that. So many women are afraid of their bodies, especially here in the States. It amazes me how taboo it is for some women to address the female body and its functions."

Vaginal Flatulence: is an emission or explosion of air from the vagina that may occur during or after sexual intercourse or stretching/exercising. The sound is comparable to a fart emitting or exploding from the anus. Vaginal flatulence does not involve waste gases and does not emit and odor (unless the woman is gross). Slang terms include vart, queef, fanny fart (mostly British).

Key Notes:

1. Every woman has or will queef at some point in her life

2. Do your daily kegels (I'm doing them while I write this)

3. *Remember: Once you take in air, it has to come out

4. Queefing is sometimes fun

5. Laugh at yourself