Fool for thought
The day I left Austin, a friend decided to she wanted to come along. She wouldn't leave my side and when I opened the back door of my van, she hopped in. We had conversation about her joining me up north a week before:
"You know honey, I'm going to be leaving here soon. I just wanted to let you know now so it won't come as such a shock when the day came." -Me
She sat up, looked at me, then rested her head in my lap, and starred at me, "Take me with you. I want to go with you."-Iris
"I'm not sure that's such a good idea. In all honesty I have no clue what I'm doing. I'm not saying no, but let me think about it and when the time comes a decision will be made."-Me
We sat on the couch for a while,cuddling, not knowing if these would be our last moments together. We had spent almost everyday together for the past three weeks. She somehow found a way to get close to me in a way that no one else had, and I let her. The main reason for not saying yes was based on my own self doubt. I didn't think I was ready to be responsible for another life and didn't believe I could provide a life she deserved. I failed to realize, she choose me. She wanted to come with me. It didn't matter to her that I had no plan. She trusted me more than I trusted myself.
Reflecting on the three weeks prior, I couldn't help but say, "This life..."
[3 weeks prior]
My friend Angelique subleted an apartment for November from this guy who was in India for the entire month. Upon entering the new space, we new it had some good juju. Crystals and eclectic art work set the ambiance. I like to refer to this place as the "Wizard Cave." In the bathroom there was a pop-up book about wizards (meant for children) that had five taro cards in the back. Once a visit I would pull my cards while my back side kissed some porcelain.
As much as Angelique and I enjoyed the apartment, we couldn't figure out the lighting system in the living room. There was a remote, and when we pushed the main button, it would only turn the light to the lowest level. We fiddled around with it for a while.
Together we talked about it and came to this conclusion:
"He is an environmental consultant of some sort, so he probably has the lights set at a certain level to cut back on electricity. While I respect that, it would be nice if it was a little bit brighter."-Me
"Yeah I know. I've just been lighting candles or just sitting in the dark. Maybe we should try living by candle light?"-Angelique
"I love that! That is what we are doing."-Me
I went back to the room I was renting from my brother's friend. Kind of a strange guy. When I first moved in he moved his bed in the same direction as mine. Then set all his ring tones and alarms on his phone to match mine. I had been there a about a month or longer. Angelique stayed with me about two days out of the week until she found the Wizard Cave. I was happy she found it because it gave me another place to stay. From the outside, my living situation didn't look bad, but there was something weird going on that I couldn't figure out.
The next day I got out of the shower and dried off. When I brought my towel around it got stuck on the corner of the bathroom cabinet and boom!!! The corner whacked me right on my tail bone, smack dab in the center of my tattoo, which happens to be the 1st chakra.
It startled me and I couldn't believe the accuracy of the hit. I turned and looked at it in the mirror and touched the tiny bruise already appearing. An eerie feeling came over me, this house wants me out. I finished getting ready and met up with some friends, and told them about the strange occurrence. They told me not to look too much into it. Later that night I met Angelique at the Wizard Cave with Mexican prayer candles in hand. Really cheap and last a long time.
We lit them and it reminded me of goddess calling I had with Emily a week before:
~one week before~
I called on a goddess and asked her, "What message do you have for women that you want me to pass along?" She replied, "Women should wear more turquoise and gold." "Really? That's cool and all, but why?" I asked kind of surprised. "The vibration of the turquoise will soften the harsher female energies, and subtle gold accents provide a humbling power," she gently responded. "Okay, will do. Thanks!"
~
"Angelique, how do you feel about doing some meditation and calling upon some spirit guides?"-Me
"Absolutely! I've never done it before though."-Angelique
"That's fine. I'll talk you through up until a certain point and then the rest is up to you."-Me
We grounded and centered ourselves, then dove into spirit realm and went our separate ways.
I called in my guides and a male wearing a grey pin striped suite and slicked back hair entered. He looked at me, "Well? You called."
His thick Brooklyn accent threw me off, along with him being a man.
"Ugh, yeah. I was wondering what the hell is going on?"-Me
"Ha! You and me both. Crazy lil' nut! (gives me an air noogie) Here's the deal. Things are going to happen pretty fast and will get a little crazy. Just know that while all this is goin' on, you will be safe. I called in a special protection. All you have to do is trust it."-Spirit Man Guide (SMG)
"Umm....what "things" are you referring to?"-Me
"A bunch a stuff. Nothin' you can't handle, but it might sting a little. Hold on...(Pauses and presses on his left ear as if trying to hear something) I'm bein' told to tell you "3 weeks" and to trust yourself."-SMG
"3 weeks...Should I stay in Austin? What about my career path? Love?"-Me
"Listen honey, give it 3 weeks and things will become clearer. Trust yourself, for serious. As for career path (chuckles) I don't want to spoil it for myself. I got you on spiritguide TiVo. Gotta go. I have a four minute rule and it looks like your friend doesn't know what she's doin'. Alright love ya honey. You got this."-SMG
3 weeks. Okay. Trust. Okay. I looked at Angelique and asked her how it was going?
"I'm not really sure. I think I have it but I don't know."-Angelique
We worked together to help her find some answers for herself. Afterwards we were spent from the entire day, and decided sleep was the next step.
Waking up the next morning, I gathered my stuff and intended to head back to my room at my brother's friend's house. Something told me to check my email before I left the Wizard Cave. I saw that my roommate had sent me a message a facebook. We hadn't spoke in a few days, him working all the time, and me doing whatever it is I do. I logged into facebook and found this message from him:
Subject: Hey roomie!
"you should move out...I don't want you here. Your brother is the only reason your here. Please go away"
Motha featha! What? Facebook? Why? Whoa...
I closed my lap top trying to process this new information. "Trust" flashed through my mind. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and made a decision to surrender to the Universe.
This dude is 29 or 30 years-old. He never once spoke to me about any of this. My mind went back to a conversation I had with my older brother a couple weeks earlier:
"You better not fuck my friend over."-Brother
"Whoa, what do you mean by that? Why would I fuck him over? If I'm doing something that makes you believe that, please tell me so that doesn't happen. I have no intention of fucking anyone over and if I can do something to prevent that let me know what I'm doing so it doesn't get to that point."-Me
"I don't know, just don't fuck him over."-Brother
I was on a sober kick for a couple months and my brother was disappointed in me for this. In his mind it meant he couldn't connect with me because he doesn't understand that people can connect on a sober level too. While at a few of his social gatherings, I wouldn't drink, and people didn't notice until he pointed it out. He was uncomfortable around me and wanted all his friends to be just as uncomfortable as himself. Thankfully, I made my own friends.
I mulled over in my mind what I could have done to cause such drastic action to be taken. I think he wanted to reclaim his space. This made a lot of sense to me because a year earlier I was in his position with a roommate. She didn't actually do anything wrong, but I wanted her out of my space. My name was on the lease and I had the say so. She was not a bad person by any means, but I allowed her energy to affect me and I needed to reclaim my territory. It was interesting to be on the other end this time, and I had a great deal of compassion for the guy. He wouldn't communicate through voice, so I had to text him. I let him know through text message.
Me: I respect your decision. When would you like to move out? I can be out by tuesday if that works for you. I understand where you are coming from. I was in your position with a similar situation.
He: Find a good spot. There is no rush for you to leave, our arrangement is just not working out.
Me: No worries. The timing of this actually worked quite well. I totally understand having your space invaded. I'm glad you are taking it back. No hard feelings :) Is it cool if I get back about $150 from the $400 of nov rent? I don't need it today. Just at some point.
He: That money is going to pay bills.
Me:When could you get that to me?
He: Your not getting any back, it is covering your portion of the bills.
Me: What bills? I'm only asking for $150 back from this months rent. Since you told me to move out I have to pay rent else where.
He: Utilities and gas, and you wanted to move out. I told you that could stay as long as you needed.
Me: You told me that you did not want me there and to move out. I was respecting what you asked me to do. I find it interesting that you cashed my rent check and less than two days later told me to move out.
Him: I made the choice after hearing that my dog was being left out side all the time. I wrote you on facebook because I didn't want to bug you in the middle of the night. Money is not an issue nor is my personal space. I asked you to leave because of you, I just don't like you, and mistreating my dog is where I draw the line.
Me: I don't consider myself someone who mistreats animals. I thought I was doing your dog a favor by letting him hang outside because he wanted to be outside, and I made sure he had water. If money is not the issue for you then why are we arguing about this? Are you charging me because you don't like me?
Him: That money is going to pay for electricity water and gas that you and your friend used over the past month and a half.
Me: These are all things you could have talked to me about at any point instead of letting it build up. Communication is key.
It went on a little longer. I decided to let him keep the money. It wasn't worth it and I just wanted to be clean of the situation. I knew the money would come back at some point. This guy clearly had other issues that I didn't want to find out about. I sat down and my tailbone hurt, and I remembered getting whacked the morning before on my 1st chakra tailbone tattoo. Too weird.
I didn't want to give too much of energy to the situation but thought a little more about it. I cleaned the house regularly; let his dog outside because Austin is beautiful in the Fall and he rarely wanted to come in when I asked. If I were I dog I would want to lay under a wonderful tree all day too. I made sure he had water since the guy never came home to take him out or feed him during the day; Angelique and myself are very eco-conscious and I can't imagine we racked up $400 worth of bills. I lived there a little under a month and half. Besides she was only there two nights a week, if that. I laughed a lot, I could see where that would be annoying. I didn't have parties, or hang out in the living room too much. I didn't have a "normal" job. On a weekly basis I did energy readings and healings either for money or an exchange of another service. I received a massage once a week, got a hair cut, and facials. Did yoga everyday along with some sort of outside activity. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how awesome my life was, and that's why he wanted me out. I would be pissed to if I had to work 80 hours a week, not getting home till the wee hours of the morning, and my roommate who appeared to be in lala land wrote a check while cleaning her ear with a q-tip.
Luckily I had the Wizard Cave and my friend Emily's place, the Goddess Pad, to crash at. Everything was going to be fine. My brother's friend creeped me out anyway. He struck me as the type of person who, after finding out a serial killer lived in the neighborhood, the TV news shows all these interviews of neighbors talking about the guy next door, "I had no idea. He seemed like a nice guy." The next day I got a message from my former neighbor who lived in the apartment next to me, telling me that my ex-roommate left his dog out till 4am.
Emily made me a copy of the key to the Goddess Pad. Two women and dog living in an efficiency apartment, we had no choice but to make it fun. I decided I would embark on another purge of my possessions. Again gave away even more stuff. I kept my sewing machine and the easel my dad made, but...I did part ways with the record player. I wasn't using it and wanted it to have a home where it would be appreciated. I'm more attached to the story behind the record player than the physical record player itself...
~November 19th, 2009~
It was a damp grey day in Chicago, five days after my 24th birthday. My dad promised to have lunch with me. Upon entering my 4th floor walk up apartment off Irving Park, he carried a box along with a hug. He handed me the box and wished me happy birthday. We sat down, and I looked into the box a little confused. There were loose cd's with most of the covers missing.
"We are trying to get rid of a bunch of stuff, and figured since you work at a radio station and you like music, you would want these. Were are trying to keep everything low budget this year. You know, due to the economy and everything."-Dad
I wasn't expecting much. I was hoping for a record player. I would rather he didn't give me anything.
"Thanks dad," I forced a smile.
We talked about some superficial things, the weather, current events, and then I turned and looked him, "Dad listen. You need to start seeing me as woman. I'm not a little girl anymore. I appreciate the random box of loose of cd's. I understand that you are tight on money. I'm not wanting you to spend money on me, but you could have at least given me some of mom's old jewelry, or that picture of Grandpa Joe (which I ask for every year) being awarded by the Italian government for being an outstanding Italian Citizen in the United States. All things you don't have to spend a dime on."-Me
My dad looked at me quickly and then looked away no knowing how to respond to that. I felt like a brat after saying it.
"I am really glad you are here, and that means more to me than anything you could ever give me. I'm sorry I mentioned that stuff. Thank you for being here. All though, I do need you to seriously start seeing me as woman."-Me
We laughed and hugged.
"How about we get some lunch?"-Dad
We walked out to his car. He popped his trunk, "I need to move some stuff out of the front seat." I looked inside and squealed with delight! He got me a record player!!! I screamed and hugged him some more. We moved it up to my place and then ate lunch at Julius Meinl. Afterwards we set everything up, and we tried out some records. He was suppose to been on his way back to Madison already, but for some reason he stuck around. Dad put on Rickie Lee Jones.
"Your mother and I lived on Irving Park for many years," he mentioned, and sat down. I could see his mind go back in time:1985, sometime in February.
"Do you want some tea?" I asked wanting to let him be in the memory. It was probably one of the few positive ones he had left of my mother. I put the kettle on the stove, listened to Rickie's voice, closed my eyes, and a few tears escaped. I saw an image of my mother and father dancing and laughing together. She, not one who enjoyed dancing, seemed to give in to him for a moment. They seemed so happy and in love. During the time of my conception, I believe they truly were in love with each other. Nothing I had ever witnessed between the two of them in real life. At that moment I knew I was made out of love. A warm familiar presence embraced me, one I hadn't felt in over 13 years. While my father in the other room, listening to a record they use to play together, my mother came back to celebrate my 24th birthday. Took a deep breath, looked up to the sky and whispered, "Thank you," and brought my dad his tea. To have both parents in the same room, was gift far beyond than I ever could have asked for. It was beautiful and it was just for me.
~
I never mentioned to my father that my mother joined us that day.
I decided to give the neighbors, Kate and Chris, the record player. Before I passed it on, I etched and wrote in marker, "Cat Spot," on the bottom. Maybe I'm crazy, but there was this part of me that believes I needed to let the record player go in order to allow for something completely new, and not attached to my father, to come into my life. Kate and Chris asked me repeatedly, "Are you sure about this? You should think about it a little more." It stings a little whenever I think about the record player and how I just gave it away. The record player was part of my ensemble. Now it's just the sewing machine, easel, and myself. I was curious as to what would be next player to take its place.
On my way back to the Goddess Pad a thought entered my mind, "You should be with a black man." I was never opposed to the thought, but never really gave it too much thought. Alright, I'll go with it. Was happy Emily was there when arrived.
"How did it go moving your stuff?"-Emily
"Good. Moving. You know. Holy muffin! I turn 25 in less than a week."-Me
"Yeah! What do you want to do?"-Emily
"I don't want to think about it right now."-Me
Angelique showed up and we had mini goddess gathering. I needed to tell them the new information:
"Ladies, I think I'm suppose to be with a black man."-Me
"Yeah, I've been thinking that for a while. I think so too."-Emily
"I really have no idea what kind of man you will end up with. It's possible."-Angelique
"We will just have to wait see."-Me
We went outside to smoke a ciggarrette. Emily's neighbor Brian was outside, blonde hair, blue eyes, and in good shape. We all chatted for a while. Brian and I seemed to get along well and invited me to knock on his door whenever, since we were now neighbors. I took him up on that offer. We started hanging out, getting to know each other, he introduced me to The Walking Dead, and I braided his hair. Didn't want to put too much thought into where it was going, just wanted to be present. Day three of hanging out we got on the subject of last names. I asked him,"So what's your last name?" He replied, "Blackman." My mouth slightly dropped. "Wait, what is it?" He responded, "Blackman." I looked up to the sky,"Should have been more specific." I kind of laughed and lightly explained the story, but it didn't really come out that way I intended it to. I think it just made things a little weird. Really cool guy. I'm just a super odd chick.
My birthday rolled around and decided to deactivate my facebook account and not answer my phone. I couldn't have any of it. I set my intention for the day: I want this day to be filled with meaning, beauty, love, and revelation.
I spent about three hours sitting in the driver seat of my van in the apartment complex parking lot, starring through my windshield, through the window on the wall, which lead to a vacant lot, listening to classical music. The breeze passed through the weeds as they fluttered with the violins and flutes, while the long grass gracefully swayed with the lower brass, complimenting its subtle dominance. Appreciating and respecting the rhythm of life. Meaning.
Noticed an elderly couple strolling down the street hand in hand, the man leaned over, kissed her, and gently twirled her around. Her blood red orange scarf floated after her. She laughed, followed by a deep embrace. Love.
My favorite part of the day approached. I rearranged the one room to have to the futon face the front door to view the sunset. Waited for the right moment. Turned on the Octopus Project station on Pandora, closed my eyes and counted to twenty-five. Eyes open to catch the dusk dancing through the leaves, dressed in pinks, purples, and creamy oranges. I spread my arms wide, dropped my head back, and screamed. Then danced around for a little bit. I thanked the Wandering Jew for being a present to witness the miracle of nature. Beauty.
(I'm referring to this Wandering Jew)
(Not this one)
My brother called and wanted to take me out to dinner. This surprised me because he hadn't returned any phone calls or text messages, and admitted to knowing his friend was going to kick me out all along. I wanted to put all that aside. Dinner sounded nice. We ate at the restaurant he works at. We had delicious meal along with some conversation.
"So what exactly are your plans? Are you going to get a job? What are you doing?"-brother
"Right now, having a wonderful day. Aside from that, I'm figuring it out. I have been working with some clients practicing energy work and getting by on the barter system. While I don't have a black and white paycheck, wear a uniform, or answer to a building everyday, I'm still working, just not in the way that you are. I've been helping Austin Zero Waste Alliance in developing their community outreach sector. I have some wonderful people in my life who have really been there for me even though we haven't known each other long. What are your plans?"
"What are you talking about? I have a job. Listen, I'm doing what I need to do, and you are working on whatever it is you are working on. We both are figuring it out."-brother
I watched my brother while he spoke and then took a bite of food. I realized I needed to give him more credit for where he is at in his life and take a step back from not be in so much judgment. While our lives seemed completely different, when broken down, take away all the titles, labels, and symbols we put on everything, we both were in similar situations. In Limbo, waiting for the right wave, to sweep a ride to the next island. Revelation.
To be continued...
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