Fool for Thought Part II: Leaving

Waking up on day two of age 25, I knew Austin wasn't my home. I had no idea where my home was, but these would be my last days in Austin before heading up north for Thanksgiving. Austin was nothing I expected. I didn't follow through on anything I said I was going to do, but I certainly learned a lot. Didn't become a certified Kundalini yoga instructor. I wasn't feeling the program and I after meeting the people I needed to from the program, it really had nothing else to offer. I wanted to be closer to my brother. While I was locationally to him, he was further away from me than ever. Nothing ever happened with the puppets. I got really close and had some people to work with, but it didn't work out. People would get really excited and I thought we were heading somewhere, but at the end of it all, it was just me, and I couldn't do it alone. The puppet rap music video didn't work because the person I tried working with to make a beat, wasn't on the same page and it just didn't feel right.

My song had a flow, all I wanted was a beat to back it up. Usually beats are set down first, but my song was created before the beat and I wanted a beat to go with my song. More of a syncopated rhythm to catch on the off beats. While that isn't how most music is produced, I needed someone to take a step out of the norm and allow themselves to think outside of the box. Music is supposedly and expression of freedom, and I found it interesting the lack of freedom people allow themselves.

~Albuquerque, NM 3 months earlier~

"You have to have the beat first. That's is just how it is. Then you add the lyrics."-Musician from New Mexico

"I get that, but what happens when the rhythm of the lyrics are born first? If you are setting a beat, you aren't just setting it without an intention, you set the beat in hopes that a rhythmic melody comes in and can be sustained and complimented."-Me

"Hey, I didn't make the rules. I love music and I do what it asks."-Musician from New Mexico

"I love music too! I just think maybe there are other ways to work with it. Ultimately, we both have the same goal when communicating with music: expression of the soul with our connection to this world. I'm not telling you to discredit your training and everything you know of music. I'm asking you to consider that there are other ways to create a song." -Me

"You're cute. Good luck with that honey."-Musician from New Mexico

~

Which came first: The rhythm or the beat?

According to the Bible, the beat. But one should question, why was the beat was put in place? What good is a beat if there is no rhythm to play with? How can a rhythm survive if there is no beat to fall back on?

Maybe, some where out in the world, someone already made a beat for me, not knowing why, but trusting that some day, a crazy little rhythm will come along and everything would make sense...Maybe I just needed to slow it down and allow a beat to come in and take it in a different direction.

Everything I set out to achieve in Austin took my life in a different direction. I did more talking than doing. I built myself up to others and myself. Looking back, of course I was going none of it would work out as planned. I wasn't being totally honest with myself and that was my way of deflecting what was really going on inside. Allowing the insecurities of other people's thoughts caused me to explain myself in ways that pushed me away from myself even further. I felt I had to have a plan or an explanation of what I was doing or what I working towards. It was more for other people than it was for myself. I walked myself into a corner and had no way out except to turn around.

I knew I had to leave Austin for good. With a lot of effort I could have stayed but knew in my heart I needed to be elsewhere.

My last week in Austin was real. While in meditation, Yogi Bhajan came to mind and reminded me of the "Seven Steps to Happiness."

The 1st step is Commitment: In every life you are meant to commit. That is why the word is commit-meant. Commitment gives you CHARACTER.

I didn't make it to the 2nd step because I had my answer: I have trouble committing to people, places, things, and especially myself. I didn't know how to tackle and solve this one, because it was so deep rooted, so I said "hello" and hoped life would present another opportunity for me to commit to something in the near future now that I had this awareness.

I spent my last days hanging out with Angelique, Iris, and Emily. Like most women who encounter some form of identity crisis, I needed to alter my physical appearance, so I yet again chopped all my hair off. I wanted to everyone else, including myself to see me differently This time I added roster feather extensions. It's a hott trend in Austin and I needed something to set me apart from the Kathryn I was before I left the Midwest.

In my last three days, I was able to see two clients. One was a woman I had been working with for three months. We met at her apartment. Even though she invited me over to give her an aura reading, something told me to give her an energy healing first (for information on aura readings and energy healings visit or contact InVision). I had her sit in a chair, both feet on the ground. I walked around her space noticing areas that needed attention. When I brought awareness to her womb, the woman began to cry, and the cry turned to a sob. Her body shook, along with a gut wrenching cry which had been held prisoner for too long, finally escaped. I continued the energy work while she released whatever she needed to release. This went on for about ten minutes. I let her know she was safe and to allow herself permission to let go. While all this happened, I knew there was something I was holding prisoner, and I wished to set it free, or else it would kill me. I envied the woman for allowing herself to be so vulnerable in front of another human being. I've never been able to do that, and realized I wanted to.

I was lucky enough to attend a sweatlodge on someones private property before departing Austin. Traditionally men lead the ceremony, but this one was different. It was mixed with men and women, and a woman was the leader. I closed my eyes and blew up whatever expectations I had I arrived. I met a guy who was a massage therapist. I mentioned that I do "energy work," and he seemed interested, and also mentioned that he incorporates some for of energy work into his massage therapy. We decided to set up an exchange before I left town. We met the next morning. I gave him a healing and a reading. Before we started on my massage he mentioned something no one had ever told me. "I can feel your inner warmth as a human being, but there is something preventing it from fully flowing through you, and allowing anyone else in to experience it. You have buffer that allows things to slide by and you brush off whatever gets too close. " I looked into my lap and tried not to cry. He was right. Funny how a strangers are able to point out the obvious as to people we know either accept or ignore what's really there.

My last Sunday, Angelique met me for a beer. Fall weather in Austin is perfect. We talked about how grateful we were to be in each others lives and what a wild ride the past two months had been. We made friends with a guy sitting at the table next to us. Nice guy, took some pictures of us. We realized we had no proof we were actually friends and a picture was needed.

The guy had a movie to catch, and I offered him a ride in my mini van since the theater was on was on the way. I drove through the back side entrance of the Alamo Drafthouse, on Lamar (If you are ever in Austin, Alamo Drafthouse is a must). I pulled up to let the guy out, turned my head to the right and noticed another tan Honda Odyssey. I jumped out to see if it was the same year. It was! As the guy walked away and almost entered the theater, I yelled for him to come back. He looked confused, yet amused.

"Would you mind taking a picture of us and the vans? I don't know the next time I'll encounter this. A lot happened in 1996... Geeze! I can't believe this! They even have the same scrape marks on their bumpers, just mine's on the right and theirs is on the left. This won't take long."-Me

"Sure, I'm happy to help. My sister saved me a seat, so I'm good for about ten minutes."-Guy

Music blasting from the van, a theater full of people exited the theater and watched while we had our mini photo shoot with mini vans.

We both agreed we should do one last open mic before I left Austin. While Austin is known for its live music scene, one has to keep in mind that most music in Austin consists of rock,country, and bluegrass, and this also goes for the open mics. The performers were very serious and actually had regular gigs around the city. We would go to this little place called House Wine. Angelique and myself would get up on stage, and I'd say, "And now for something completely different..." Angelique looked pretty with the hand drum while I told a story, through a poetry/rap song, about driving in my mini van. Some people loved it, others not so much. None it mattered to me. It was fun and really only meant for my own amusement. It was liberating to put myself out there which was something I needed to do.

Emily and I would wake up early to catch a yoga class at Black Swan, which is the best yoga studio I've ever been to. My last day came around. The van packed, and Iris not wanting to leave my side. I still hadn't decided if it she should come with me. I opened the back door to see what she would do. She got in, sat down, and gave me a nod letting me know she was ready to head up north. It all happened so fast. Emily grabbed her things and kissed her goodbye. Emily and I hugged for a while, knowing exactly why we had come into each others lives.

I hit the road, again, this time I wasn't alone. I kept looking back at her in to make sure she was really there. We ran around gas station parking lots. It was wonderful not being alone. So much gratitude. Destination: Madison,WI for Thanksgiving. My thought went to what I wanted to ask my dad for my birthday present: Please grow your hair out so you can put it in a pony tail.

To be continued...

I be drivin' in my mini van

Odyssey in twenty ten

I be searchin' for my soul plan

When I be drivin' in my mini van

I left Chicago in the middle of the night

I don't' know but it just felt right

Gave away my things

Enjoyed my last meal

Then it was time to get behind the wheel

In my nineteen ninety-six Honda Odyssey mobile and

I be drivin' in my mini van

Odyssey in twenty ten

I be lookin' for a real man

When I be drivin' in my mini van

I use to date a chubby his name was Stan

and I would pick him up in my mini van

Then one day I found him kind of bland

and that's when I dropped him at the hot dog stand

I be drivin' in my mini van

Odyssey in twenty ten

I like to spend some time with men

We can talk or hand out in the den, but uh...

Actually, I think it's time to pick up my friends and

We be drivin' in my mini van

Odyssey in twenty ten

Me and my friends we got the master plan

When we be drivin' in my mini van

A pink dream catcher hangs from the rear mirror

I like to think it helps me see things clearer

There's enough space in the back den

I fit a whole futon in the back of the van

A bundle of sage rests on the passenger side

Pop your head and take a ride...

Odyssey in twenty ten

Odyssey in twenty ten

Odyssey in twenty ten

I be drivin' in my mini van