Unhinged

After traveling up the California coast and parking it in Seattle for a while, I finally felt ready to plant some roots and decided to make Austin my playground.

Once upon a time earlier this summer, I left Chicago and embarked on an Odyssey to experience life, love, create, and really connect with people, and find the ones that I want to have on my team to create with and for when the Apocalypse happens. I found all those things, but not the way I initially wanted. I made some great connections in Austin, but there was one connection that I felt stronger than the others.

He was the last person I saw when I left Austin back in July. I didn't put too much thought into it at the time but looking back I realized some things. I haven't connected with a man in that way in a very very long time, if ever. We were drawn to each other right from the moment we saw each other. He could really see me, and the conversations were always deep and meaningful. The way he looks at me made me feel like this one was different. Constant eye contact. We were not connecting physically, but there was an intense emotional connection that I didn't experience with other male friends. There was an unspoken understanding. I left Austin because I needed to continue on my way. We kept in touch during my journey out West. I found this interesting because I really did not expect for us stay connected. Nothing forced, it just happened.

Upon reaching Seattle I began to feel this could possibly be something more. I talk about all these crazy things I want to do, and most people smile and nod and support my endeavors, but I've never had anyone who actually wanted to join, and he did. This took me back to a conversation we had back in Austin. We discussed what we want out of a significant other and I had mentioned that I would really like to find someone to ground to and create with, and here he was providing both.

Seattle was great, but I felt my journey needed to come to a close and time to get down to business and be productive. After some conversations I decided to come back to Austin and he invited me to stay in his guest bedroom till I got on my feet. Why I decided to stay with him I'm not sure, but part of me was curious and really did want to be there.

During my drive from Colorado to Texas he briefly mentioned a girl he has been seeing. This caught me a little off guard because he was talking and texting me everyday since I left Seattle and I honestly thought he was into me because why else would we still be keeping up after all this time. I had to blow up my expectations and start over, which is not always easy.

He seemed really excited to for me to come. I got in after 4pm and we hung out and talked for a while, opened a bottle of wine. He asked me if I had ever seen the bats in Austin. He took me the Congress Bridge to watch the bats take flight at sundown, then went to dinner, followed by a clip from "Old Greg" and a movie. It was a lovely evening, aside from being totally confused about everything and unsure why I came to Austin.

The next morning I felt it was going to be a strange day. I went to charge my phone and the charger broke. I was about due for new phone anyway so I decided to get a new one and hit up a yoga class after. I knew if I did yoga I would feel better and that's what I wanted to do all day.

A man greeted me in the Verizon store. Before he could say anything I gave it to him straight, "I don't want be that connected. Just give me something that's easy to use and that I can text on. I don't want to hear about your data packages." He took me over to his desk and pulled out a phone that would work for me. While making small talk the guy asked me, "What are you going to do in Austin?" and I replied, "I'm gonna do whatever I want." He gave me a side glance and chuckled, "I haven't gotten that one before. Of course you are." While he was ringing me up he had charged my account $900 more than what the phone actually cost. Great. He was on the phone for about 20 minutes trying to fix this. I did not make it to yoga class.

I had my new phone, and my account was over drawn by $900, I decided to head back to the house and find another yoga class to attend. Pulling up to the house I noticed a girl sitting outside, the one that he is seeing. I sat down next here and chatted. She was nice. Then I went to my room and watched "Jersey Shore" and found another yoga class. I made sure to give myself plenty of time to get to class, but some how I still didn't make it. My GPS kept bailing on me and then taking me in different directions that lead me into a lot of road construction. Didn't make it to that yoga class either. Instead I drove to Target in hopes that maybe some retail therapy might help.

Target is one of my favorite places to use the bathroom, so my first plan of action was to do that. As I walked in that direction an employee told me I couldn't use it. I pulled my sunglasses down and tried not to cry. I grabbed a basket and wandered around putting random things into it, trying to justify why I needed it, all while on the verge of tears. After spending about fifteen minutes staring at lotion, I realized I have no idea what I'm doing. "What the fuck am I doing?" I dropped the basket,walked out of Target, and headed back to the house.

All day I felt I was in so much effort and totally unsettled. I entered the house to find he and this girl were taking a shower together. I headed straight for my room, laid on my bed, and checked my facebook only to find that this day really could get worse. I received a message from my friend who I let borrow my bike in Chicago while I was out on my adventure and planned on picking my bike up come Thanksgiving. The message said that he had locked it to a pole and that the bike was stolen...

I curled up in Child's pose on the bed, and didn't move for a while. He knocked on my door and asked if I was hungry, I replied "No." An hour or so goes by and I still hadn't left my room so he knocks again. He came in as I layed pathetically on the bed.

He asked what was wrong and told him about my bike. He empathized. He asked if there was anything else wrong. I looked at him and said, "I think I should stay with my brother." He looked surprised, "May I ask why you don't feel comfortable here?" Here was the big decision, do I tell him the truth, or do I just say that I'm going to stay with my brother and this will be for the best? I closed my laptop and sat up. "I'm allowing myself to very vulnerable right now. I think that I'm starting to have feelings for you and if I have any respect for myself I need to leave." Again he had a look of surprise and disappointment, "Really? I thought we were just friends. I'm not sure how I lead you to believe otherwise." I asked him if he has similar connections with his other female friends that he does with me and replied, "No you are the only one." It was hard for me to understand this because I don't connect with many people in the way we did so I honestly thought it was something more. Based on my past experience I have never connected like that with a male friend. He went on, "We do have a connection and I thought you were just a cool person that I connected with. I'm trying to build this family and I see you more as part of my family, and I do really want to do all the creative things we talked about. I haven't been that excited about doing something in a long time. I really had no idea this was going to happen." I looked at him, "Really? Seriously? I guess I don't understand because you choose to stay in touch with me over my whole summer and I didn't that with any other man. The longer we stayed in touch the more I began to think that you had to be somewhat in to me, why else would you be doing that? I have shared quite a bit of my self with you in the short time we have known each other. If we are going to be friends and I don't want to share too much because I want to save that for the man who can really have me." After saying that I felt a huge release, finally! I placed my hand over my heart and said, "Holy shit I feel so much better!" I looked at him and he was just trying to take it all in. (Keep in mind his girl is sitting on the couch in the other room while all this is happening). I stated, "We can be friends, but I don't put up with bullshit." He came over and gave me a hug and told me he was excited for me to come live with him and that no matter what I was welcome to stay. I told him, "I just want to feel safe. I'm not grounded right now, and I have no clue what I'm actually feeling, but I'm glad we talked about this because it really cleared a lot of energy and now I'm actually able to see you." When he walked out and closed the door, I couldn't believe I just did that. I felt so proud of myself. While it was scary as hell to put myself out there and be totally honest I stayed strong.

"I am vulnerable. I am strong. I can be vulnerable because I am strong," kept running through my head.

This was a huge learning experience for me. I don't regret my decision to move to Austin or to even live in this guy's house. This encounter with him made me realize even more what is I want and that he needed to come into my life to test my truth and how me how to not loose myself. It has forced me to blow up these pictures that I have of friendships with men and also my pictures of love.

I spoke to my dad a little later on and told him about my day. He asked me, "What was something positive that came out of today?" I replied, "I'm really proud of the way I was able to assert myself and how much I have matured in communication abilities. I also allowed myself to be vulnerable." He remarked, "Well that's wonderful."

Let the reinvention begin! This is only the beginning. Stay tuned in Austin, cause there will be a puppet show coming soon to a backyard near you.