Accidental Attention-Seeking Behavior/Self-Deprecation

The morning began at 4:46am for early morning sadhana practice in my living room. Singing, yoga, and meditation all happen within a three hour time span. This morning I decided to do a longer sat kriya than I have in a while. This exersice/meditation involves pumping the naval, and really gets things moving in the mid section of the body on the physical level. It was invigorating.

I drank some tea, ate some miso soup with mushrooms and seaweed (seaweed makes my pee smell like the ocean). Lovely. Took a brief nap, and a dream came to visit:

~dream 2/7/11~

Still in Austin. Preparing to leave the city. One day left. Angelique wants me to meet her at this yoga festival. I didn't feel like going to the festival. I told her I would meet up with her afterwards in the early AM after everyone had left. A gathering for an unknown reason was to happen during that time. I spent the time in between in my semi-vacant apartment. Everything packed away except my deep orange tapestry centered by a colorful ambianic pinwheel. Dust and dirt lurked in the corners, waiting for me to leave. Angelique sent me a text while I heated water for mac n' cheese.

"Are you still going to the gathering?"-A

"Yes, meet in 15."-Me

"Ok!"-A

3:04 am

When I arrived at the vacant park where the festival took place, I heard laughter and walked toward a picnic table. A group of men sat around the table. I said hello and didn't notice their apparent homelessness. Angelique sent me a text:

"running late. be there soon :)"

These guys seemed friendly enough, and in jolly spirits. While we discusses some common ground topic, I looked up at the sky and noticed falling stars, not just one, but many. I told everyone to look, as I pointed to the doorway of falling stars.

"That's some once in a lifetime type of shit," one of them remarked, took a swig of whiskey, and threw the half empty bottle at a pile of rocks. "Kathryn? Is that you?" Angelique appeared out of nowhere.

"Do you see that?" I pointed, she looked, shook her head no, then noticed the company I was with.

"Hey girl, what are you doing? Are these your friends?" I introduced her to everyone. She being of sweet nature was not fazed and enjoyed the company. "I don't think we are going to make it to the gathering. I'm ok with that," she replied. We spent the rest of the early morning getting drunk with the homeless men. As the sun peeked out his blanket, it was time to hit up 7/11 and buy some pop-tarts. Angelique and I parted ways with our once in a lifetime friends and headed back to my semi-vacant apartment. We heated the pop-tarts over the stove and waited for the hard, white, sprinkled frosting to transform into a soft goo. It was time for Angelique to leave. I walked her out and we hugged goodbye. The golden dusk of the morning glazed the back ally and I had to see its full glory. As I turned the corner, a fresh human carcass waited to decompose. No eyes, no heart, and holes where the souls of his hands use to be. I glanced up to the sky, slightly blinded by the light, and noticed a wall of birds outlining the ally. Every type of bird imaginable rested on the building rooftops looking at me. As soon as I noticed their presence, a momentous silence settled. The horned owl made I contact, he winked at me, followed by an electric charge to my heart.

Telepathically he told me, “I’m a friend. We are here. You can win the battle, but you must set your intention and it must come from within.”-Horned Owl

“Battle? I’m all alone. Will you help me?”-Me

“You are not alone.”-Horned Owl

All the birds backed away from the edge and out came a large ostrich like bird with firey eyes, and dried blood on his beak and neck, entered the ally.

He walked over the human carcass and licked the eye sockets and nibbled at the empty space where the heart use to be, then walked over the face. I froze against the side of a building hoping he wouldn’t notice me. Across my way a piece of wood with crooked nails poking out caught my attention. If I could just get the piece of wood, then I could defend myself. He turned his back, and I gently inched toward the piece of wood. One foot away, almost there, my foot slipped on some gravel, he turned around and bolted at me. Shit! I froze and I felt the electric charge from before pulse my heart. Took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and placed my hands in prayer position, thumbs pressed firmly between my breasts. I repeated “sat nam” over and over in my mind. A surge of energy hit my center core and projection of light streamed out of me. A veil of protection encompassed my being. The scary bird feriociously nawed and slammed his body against at me, but failed to enter. Opened my eyes and looked into his eyes and saw his surrender. The other birds entered the edges of the ally. He grunted and walked away. He pathetically glanced back, questioning his very existence.

~Dream End~

Upon waking, I had an urge to spend hours in a coffee shop writing. I keep a dream log and read over past dreams. I dream a lot and wanted to know what other people were dreaming about and wanted to hear what other people had to say and also see how they expressed their dreams. Some are so vivid only a few words a needed to describe. While others may not leave behind an image or story, but an intense feeling. I've been wanting to start something like this for a while.

What better way than facebook?

Coffee can be quite stimulating. Even though I dropped the goods back at my apartment, there was more. The additional five minutes of sat kriya enabled the process of releasing. I spent a good amount of time in the bathroom before I came out, only to have the barista who made my drink go in right after. I had never seen him before and he will forever remember me as the chick up dropped her shit at the coffee shop. Earlier he commented on how I smelled like roses, my poo might too, if I'm lucky, most likely not. Should have used the restroom in back.

I don't know if I was inspired by my backside hitting porcelain, for some reason I decided to create and event titled: "Dream Toilet." My intention was to create a place for people to drop their dreams off. I personally believe there is a correlation between our bowls and dreaming. We release and clear energy in our dreams, same as we do when we make #2 in the potty. Doodie is the physical representation of the crap we clear out or ourselves on a daily, for some more or less, basis. Not sure how to prove this, figuring that out. At the moment this based purely on my own personal experience. Doodie aside, I was more interested in encouraging people to bring awareness to their dream space and finding a creative way to express their subconscious. After inviting everyone on facebook to the event, I realized a facebook page would be better. In the midst of my folly, I realized I had an appointment coming up and didn't want to attend. Clearly I needed to persist in my folly a little longer, so I called and told the person I was having car trouble (lie). Really stupid to lie, but I didn't want to explain myself and needed to get back to what I was working on. After canceling the event, and worked on creating a page for "Dream Toilet," I received a message from a person I never knew I was friends with on facebook. The message said:

"Excuse me. I don't know how you found out about my illness, but I'm blocking you."

This baffled me. I had no clue what this person was talking about and as I recall she requested to be friends with me. I said yes because we had about eight people in common (this is my rule for accepting friend requests from people I don't know). I didn't mean to upset anyone and was shocked that someone took offense to whatever it was I was doing. I felt bad for upsetting her and wanted to apologize or explain myself. Since the person blocked me on fb, I googled her and figured out how we might have a connection. I contacted that friend and she gave me this information:

"Do you know her?"-Me

"yea"- friend

"wtf is she talking about?"-Me

"Weird. I didn't know she was sick. Well...perhaps that's a part of the sickness. Now that I think about it, I know she had a bad case of a dissociative break and she disappeared in Chicago for a bit. She was briefly homeless and became violent, tortured her friends and thought people were after her."-Friend

"Geeze. Poor thing."-Me

Then I started thinking, "Maybe I'm a little crazy." It felt like I had been slapped in the face then sucker punched in the stomach. Due to canceling my appointment, and lying about having car trouble, after spending enough time in the coffee shop, I went outside to find my car missing. Took note of the sign where my car had been parked and felt like an idiot. If I had gone to my appointment or didn't lie about why I couldn't make it, this probably wouldn't have happened. It began snowing. Luckily I wasn't too far from my apartment. I walked down the street wondering where my van had been towed to and how I was going to pay for this, thinking it would be the same as Chicago prices, $150 for tow plus varying parking ticket fee.

As I walked back to my apartment, shaking my head, realizing I probably shouldn't go back to that coffee shop for a while, and that I sent out and invite to everyone I know to an event titled "Dream Toilet," I bumped into my van parked on another street. No fucking way! Magic? I ran up to the van and my excitement deflated when I saw the ticket under the windshield wiper. $95, could be worse? I was about a half mile from my apartment and decided my punishment for being and idiot would be to walk home in the snow.

Thankfully I have a dog who appreciates my existence. Maybe because I'm the one who feeds her, it's still nice to be needed. She could tell something was up with me. I fed her, then laid on my bed processing the day. She stopped eating and jumped on the bed to cuddle with me.

She lovingly nuzzled my neck then proceeded to burp in my face. We still had obedience class to attend. Thought about not showing up to that, but Iris loves the class, and it would allow me to take my mind off my idiocy from earlier.

On our way to class I slip on my ass while coming down the stairs.

"Are you ok?"-neighbor

"Yes." I chuckle, thinking: I never should have left the house today.

We get to class and of course Iris is a rock star. I noticed people were making short eye contact with me in class, but didn't focus too much on that. I thought it was because I wore a bright cranberry shawl and the only single person in class. We get back in the van and I take a quick look in the rear view mirror only to notice a massive booger hanging out in the right nostril. Really?

We head back home. I stopped off at Trader Joes to pick up a bottle of twist off red wine, because I don't have a wine opener. Ending the evening listening to Jai Uttal station on Pandora, dancing off the day.

Moral of the story:

-If there is a back restroom option, take it.

-Don't lie about having issues with your car when you don't want to do something.

-If possible, don't accept friend requests from people you don't know on facebook.

-Always check your nose, eyes, and flies before you enter any structure outside of your home.

-If you are hanging out with someone new for the first time, don't ask them if they have any owl noises.

This is all I have to say about this day:

"I got boogers in my nose and poop in my butt. It's just another day. What what?"

-Keepin' it real-

Cat Spot